Pack up your pride, it’s over

Just how fucking proud do we have to get before we realize pride’s causing all those problems it was meant to keep away?

Pride is what keeps us from apologizing when we fucked up. It’s why we don’t talk to anyone about our problems, cause we’re way too proud to admit we have problems. It’s why we can’t just figure things out, we can’t talk like normal people… though normal is relative, when the decadent is the norm, but that’s not the point.

We just have to fight to have the upper hand, to dominate a relationship, friendship, any kind of interaction at all. We can’t slip up, because if we make mistakes, it makes people respect us less – or so we think. (Well I sure as hell think so, even though I’m convinced it shouldn’t be this way.) So when we do make a mistake, we just can’t convince ourselves to man up, and just say: “Yeah, I was wrong, I’m sorry.” That is only relevant, of course, if we actually believe we’ve fucked up – all too often, our mind convinces itself it wasn’t our fault after all. It was the circumstances, or that other guy over there, and hey, it wasn’t that bad, so stop bitching!

It’s the holy trinity of denying any mistake: not my fault, nothing could be done because of the circumstances, and nothing happened at all. We tell ourselves so many times that we start to believe it. Why? Because we’re proud. We’re so ashamed of making mistakes that we can’t even face ourselves.

But there’s pride on the other side as well. Pride that won’t let you forgive anyone, won’t even let you talk to that guy who fucked up. In a way, this is logical: he’s at fault here, why should you be making an effort? Well, you don’t have to. Unless, of course, that guy – or girl, I’m not discriminating here – actually matters to you. Cause in that case, you’ll just have to battle it out… Does he beg for forgiveness over and over again, throwing his pride away? Or can you put him before your pride and forgive him?

Or maybe you’ll both walk on, having lost someone you cared about, but prouder than ever…

Now listen to this, while I try and find the dialect in which “I’m not mad at you” means “I’m not talking to you again, bitch”.

Dalymar

I am stricken, and can’t let you go…

Have you ever loved anyone? I think I have.

It’s not the kind of love where you “can’t live without him”, nor the kind where you “would do anything to make him love you”. It’s real, unconditional love.

It’s the kind of love where you no longer give a fuck if he hates you, cause that’s not the point. If you’re not the one who can make him happy, let it be. Let him be himself, with the one *he* loves. Because you no longer wonder if you two could work it out, it doesn’t matter. You’ve both thought about it, and you realised it would never work, but that’s not the point. You just want him to be happy, in any possible fucking way.

And now he hates you. You’re hurting more than you ever have, it’s worse than losing that cute boy you’ve had a crush on ever since high-school. Worst of all, it’s all your fault. You fucked up bigtime, and you have no way of making it right, cause he won’t even talk to you. No matter how much you regret it, there’s nothing you can do anyomre. Still you think of him, as you’ve never met anyone like him, and you are convinced you never-ever will. You hope someway, somehow, you’ll run into him, and he’ll realise you never meant to hurt him, you’ve loved him all along.

And then… something happens. Something even worse than what made him hate you. What could possibly be worse than that, you ask? Easy… you meet him again. At first you walk past him, making sure you don’t look at him, hissing to your friend about how you hate them for not telling you he’d be here. Then you collapse and tell them everything, how you could never forget him, how much it hurts to see him again, and that you really want to/don’t want to talk to him. After all, it’s been ages, maybe, just maybe, he has forgiven you.

You avoid him for a while, but you just can’t help running into him. You can’t help but sit down next to him. You’ve missed him so much, you’re dying to know if he’s alright, if he’s… happy. After all, that’s all that matters, not your own feelings, not your love, just his happiness.

You end up talking to him for a while, but it’s just so fucking hard to communicate, after all that’s happened. You don’t know what to say, so you ask questions, and he answers, but you don’t even know if he’s telling the truth. You can only hope he’s forgotten, forgiven whatever you’ve done, and that he’s… alright.

Yet, you no longer care. Just the fact that he’s alive, that he seems to be alright fills you with so much joy you can barely take it. And though there are too many times you can’t remember, cause you were too drunk to even think straight, you know you remember everything that’s important.

You remember that time he cried and you hugged him. You remember that time you cried and he hugged you – and, suddenly, everything was alright. You remember him telling you he loved you, and you remember realising you loved him too. You still do. And that’s all that matters, after all. Unconditional love.

And the video. Remenissions, by A7X.

Dalymar

It’s 2 am, feeling like I just lost a friend…

Cause I did. Yeah, I’m quoting Taylor Swift. Sue me.
(Just continuing the tradition of whining my ass off xD)

You see, I’ve always sucked at keeping my friends. Possibly even more than I suck at, you know, actually making friends.
Okaay, that’s not exactly true, I do have friends, I’m really glad I get to hang out with them and we cry on each other’s shoulder about how we suck at life, and how life sucks and other awesome stuff like that. (We actually have fun, too, though. Sometimes while crying on each other’s shoulders about how the world sucks. We’re just that good. But, seriously, have you ever tried being really fucking happy while being really fucking sad? You should, it’s a life changing experience. xD Anyway, I should probably do that “end parentheses” thing already… Just one more thing: you know what Barney said? No not the legendary thing, the other one… “When I’m sad, I stop being said and be awesome instead.” True story.)

Anyway, this isn’t gonna be the usual “why have you forsaken me” kind of thing. It’s just… strange how people drift apart. I’d like to think it’s not the physical distance between us that changed things – I’d be really fucking ashamed of myself if it was. Of course, everyone changes, and when we change into people who no longer like each other, we just stop hanging out. I’ve read something like this somewhere, someone (getting annoying, huh?) said their friendships lasted 3 years (though it might have been 5…). By then, they’ll have had enough of each other, and whenever they meet, there are only the awkward questions – how are you, how’s your kid/mother/husband/pet rock – followed by the equally awkward silence.

Is it bound to happen this way? Can’t we… adapt? Or maybe we should just move on, instead of holding onto the memories of a person-who-was.

Now, a video… I’m still listening to Dir en Grey, but if you’ve read anything else around here, you’ve heard enough about them, so here’s Note to Self, by From First to Last, which is much more awesome than Skrillex >.<

Yay, first real post in fuck knows how long, thanks for reading, candies and unicorns for everyone.
(Unless, of course, you don’t want them. I’m not gonna force them on you… But come on,why would you not want a unicorn?)

Dalymar

Jaded, stupid and reckless

Wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I think I might have forgotten how to write. Not that I was ever good at it, mind you, but I just reread all the bullshit i posted, and it’s fucking awesome! Not in the sense that it makes any sense, but hey, it seemed entertaining to me…

I wonder if I’ve lost that… what was it? Naïveté? Style? Hell if I know.
I always thought I wouldn’t change. and in a way I haven’t – I still swear by all that I believe to be true and right, I still don’t tolerate injustice and stubborn stupidity, but it seems I’ve become jaded somewhere along the way.

Still, reading through all the random stuff I used to think of, I realised how much I’ve missed doing this – you know, the talking to myself like a crazy old woman who talks to herself/her cats/the walls part. So, I’m gonna try and start again, if not continue, ’cause that seems impossible at this point. So bear with me while I ramble on about stuff only I care about (:

Aaand, just to get in line with posting videos no one watches, here’s a cute and absolutely meaningless one.
Hint: it’s about narwhals

Do you fall too?

You said it’d be hard to fall, almost impossible. But you were wrong…

You really can’t see it, can’t feel it?  Don’t you realize how hard it is not to fall?

Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would…

Yeah, I’m back to listening to Linkin Park. It’s actually kinda good, especially Hybrid Theory… Anyway.

I screwed something up again. Well, I must have, cause if I didn’t, I have no fucking idea what’s happened.

The little things you’ll never dare to ask me…

Title’s from Sonata Arctica again.

I have so many questions. But how could I possibly ask them without causing pain?

Bad guys win though it won’t seem right

Hello there again. Title’s from Sonata Arctica’s Peacemaker.

Yea, bad guys win… but you sure it won’t seem right?

Mazohyst of Decadence

Heyy, guess what: I actually did something productive today! This is the first part of a… series, I guess, and I couldn’t wait with putting it up. I think it’s kinda pretty…  (The lyrics belong to Dir en Grey, the pic belongs to me. )

Namida no mukougawa ni kimi wa inai sa

Title from Diru. Japanese.

Sorry. Just tired, I guess. The lyrics mean (more or less) “Behind the tears, you are not there” Now go figure…

I’m an introvert.