Namida no mukougawa ni kimi wa inai sa

Title from Diru. Japanese.

Sorry. Just tired, I guess. The lyrics mean (more or less) “Behind the tears, you are not there” Now go figure…

I’m an introvert.

An introvert, as in, not exactly fond of chit-chatting, prefer to read books, stuff like that. I still want, need to be near others. I’m just not always up for the small talk. Whatever.

Now, they say extroverts draw energy from their surroundings, while introverts draw it from inside. Kinda cool, isn’t it? Like, imagine a huge, glowing green power-core thingy… You know. It’s a great idea, and with all the people claiming that it’s true, i might as well be.

But guess what, when I look inside, there’s no green glow, and no energy. It just feels empty. Empty, save fir a huge hole, containing all the stuff I don’t want to think about.

Now, what actual problems could a teenager possibly have? My parents are alive, I’m not starving, and I have friends. My life is fucking perfect. That’s what they say. I guess it’s true. But that’s not what I mean.

By the things I don’t want to think about, I mean the little things. All the times I’ve been let down, someone made me cry, I made a mistake, whatever. I can’t say I remember it all, but there’s a lot of them, that’s for sure. I can’t forget about them, I can’t forgive them, and I can’t forgive myself.

Why, even if what I say is true, that’s no problem, cause all this stuff is locked up in that hole, right? Riiight.

Now, let’s make it less metaphorical.

Every once in a while (as in, every few days) a situation comes up, which reminds me of some shit I’ve done, or others have done to me. And, it seems, there are less and less things that don’t make me think about anything I don’t wanna.

Sooner or later, there will be none left. When the ugly little squirming creatures  will finally reach the sunlight, when they pull themselves out of the hole with their tentacles, when there will be no more place left and the ground can no longer be seen from the squirming mass of bodies, then… Then what? I have no idea.

Sorry for being… depressing. That’s just the way I am.

Dalymar

~ by dalymar on December 10, 2008.