Pride is what keeps us from apologizing when we fucked up. It’s why we don’t talk to anyone about our problems, cause we’re way too proud to admit we have problems. It’s why we can’t just figure things out, we can’t talk like normal people… though normal is relative, when the decadent is the norm, but that’s not the point.

We just have to fight to have the upper hand, to dominate a relationship, friendship, any kind of interaction at all. We can’t slip up, because if we make mistakes, it makes people respect us less – or so we think. (Well I sure as hell think so, even though I’m convinced it shouldn’t be this way.) So when we do make a mistake, we just can’t convince ourselves to man up, and just say: “Yeah, I was wrong, I’m sorry.” That is only relevant, of course, if we actually believe we’ve fucked up – all too often, our mind convinces itself it wasn’t our fault after all. It was the circumstances, or that other guy over there, and hey, it wasn’t that bad, so stop bitching!

It’s the holy trinity of denying any mistake: not my fault, nothing could be done because of the circumstances, and nothing happened at all. We tell ourselves so many times that we start to believe it. Why? Because we’re proud. We’re so ashamed of making mistakes that we can’t even face ourselves.

But there’s pride on the other side as well. Pride that won’t let you forgive anyone, won’t even let you talk to that guy who fucked up. In a way, this is logical: he’s at fault here, why should you be making an effort? Well, you don’t have to. Unless, of course, that guy – or girl, I’m not discriminating here – actually matters to you. Cause in that case, you’ll just have to battle it out… Does he beg for forgiveness over and over again, throwing his pride away? Or can you put him before your pride and forgive him?

Or maybe you’ll both walk on, having lost someone you cared about, but prouder than ever…

Now listen to this, while I try and find the dialect in which “I’m not mad at you” means “I’m not talking to you again, bitch”.

Dalymar

You remember that time he cried and you hugged him. You remember that time you cried and he hugged you – and, suddenly, everything was alright. You remember him telling you he loved you, and you remember realising you loved him too. You still do. And that’s all that matters, after all. Unconditional love.

And the video. Remenissions, by A7X.

Dalymar

You see, I’ve always sucked at keeping my friends. Possibly even more than I suck at, you know, actually making friends.
Okaay, that’s not exactly true, I do have friends, I’m really glad I get to hang out with them and we cry on each other’s shoulder about how we suck at life, and how life sucks and other awesome stuff like that. (We actually have fun, too, though. Sometimes while crying on each other’s shoulders about how the world sucks. We’re just that good. But, seriously, have you ever tried being really fucking happy while being really fucking sad? You should, it’s a life changing experience. xD Anyway, I should probably do that “end parentheses” thing already… Just one more thing: you know what Barney said? No not the legendary thing, the other one… “When I’m sad, I stop being said and be awesome instead.” True story.)

Anyway, this isn’t gonna be the usual “why have you forsaken me” kind of thing. It’s just… strange how people drift apart. I’d like to think it’s not the physical distance between us that changed things – I’d be really fucking ashamed of myself if it was. Of course, everyone changes, and when we change into people who no longer like each other, we just stop hanging out. I’ve read something like this somewhere, someone (getting annoying, huh?) said their friendships lasted 3 years (though it might have been 5…). By then, they’ll have had enough of each other, and whenever they meet, there are only the awkward questions – how are you, how’s your kid/mother/husband/pet rock – followed by the equally awkward silence.

Is it bound to happen this way? Can’t we… adapt? Or maybe we should just move on, instead of holding onto the memories of a person-who-was.

Now, a video… I’m still listening to Dir en Grey, but if you’ve read anything else around here, you’ve heard enough about them, so here’s Note to Self, by From First to Last, which is much more awesome than Skrillex >.<

Yay, first real post in fuck knows how long, thanks for reading, candies and unicorns for everyone.
(Unless, of course, you don’t want them. I’m not gonna force them on you… But come on,why would you not want a unicorn?)

Dalymar

I think I might have forgotten how to write. Not that I was ever good at it, mind you, but I just reread all the bullshit i posted, and it’s fucking awesome! Not in the sense that it makes any sense, but hey, it seemed entertaining to me…

I wonder if I’ve lost that… what was it? Naïveté? Style? Hell if I know.
I always thought I wouldn’t change. and in a way I haven’t – I still swear by all that I believe to be true and right, I still don’t tolerate injustice and stubborn stupidity, but it seems I’ve become jaded somewhere along the way.

Still, reading through all the random stuff I used to think of, I realised how much I’ve missed doing this – you know, the talking to myself like a crazy old woman who talks to herself/her cats/the walls part. So, I’m gonna try and start again, if not continue, ’cause that seems impossible at this point. So bear with me while I ramble on about stuff only I care about (:

Aaand, just to get in line with posting videos no one watches, here’s a cute and absolutely meaningless one.
Hint: it’s about narwhals

You really can’t see it, can’t feel it?  Don’t you realize how hard it is not to fall?

If you were sure there is no afterlife, no reason for our existence, you’d kill yourself, right now. Or so you said… But if life has no meaning, then neither does death, if there is nothing after the jump, why waste away what little you have left?

If all we have in this world is these years – ten for some, a hundred for others – why make it even shorter?

If life is an island floating in, surrounded by darkness, by nothing, why would you jump from the edge? How can you be sure the tiny piece of land won’t just sink to the bottom of this endless sea?

You told me time has no meaning, time does not exist, as it bends with our perception, making mere moments seem like years, yet passing all too fast, making lifetimes disappear without notice…

But how is that possible, when all we are and all we thrive to be depend on the line time draws?

How can it be, that all that is good, all that is beautiful in this world is bound to get crashed under the iron boots of this invisible and fragile creature?

All that’s valuable to us needs time. Not always days, or hours, often only moments. But without time, the happy family is but a dusty picture in a long-forgotten case. Without time, music is no more than a simple sound, infinitely…

Infinity.

You believe we will rest in heaven eternally, We will float in happiness infinitely, when time loses its meaning and ceases to define our existence. Nothing but the feeling will remain, and we will be content as we wait for an eternity – for a single moment.

But happiness is relative. Without pain there can be no joy, and vice versa, if we do not know grief, we can not appreciate the small wonders that those in need would see as their salvation.

How could we be happy forever, unconsciously, floating in some godly ambrosia?

Why would we?

By the way, if I ever said anything negative about Kyo’s (Dir en Grey) English, I take it all back. Seriously. How did I not realize how terribly beautiful Glass Skin is?

Honestly, who gives a shit if his pronunciation isn’t perfect, who cares if it’s not as tough as their other songs are?

Go listen to the song. Seriously. (here‘s the Japanese version by the way, just as pretty)

Thanks for reading.

Dalymar

I screwed something up again. Well, I must have, cause if I didn’t, I have no fucking idea what’s happened.

I got into a… verbal fight, so to say. Naturally, it was caused by my oh-so-high principles and their general asshole-ness. (not sure if that’s a word, but w/e)

A basic rundown of the events: I felt completely excluded from some of my friends’ conversations. They were also being assholes to everyone they met, including people I like as well as people I don’t. I decided to try and explain to one of them – the one i figured was most capable of discussing things in a civilized way – just why me and another girl were upset about what was happening.

Long story short, he told us we were wrong and inconsiderate, and also that it was our fault. Then he proceeded to leave in the middle of what I thought was a conversation. Afterwards, he explained that he couldn’t possibly talk to me about this without telling me something else, which would thoroughly upset me. At this point i was practically begging him to tell me – i was upset already, figured he couldn’t make it worse. But no, no – he won’t tell me.

We haven’t spoken ever since.

Now, someone please explain me: how on earth am I supposed to talk to him, have fun with him, etc. when he apparently has some kind of (and not just something minor, either) problem with me? Argh. Anyway.

What do i do at times like this? Do I pretend nothing happened? Technically, that’s not even an option… I can’t just play pretend like that.

Do I confront him? I’ve already done that, several times. I’m convinced it’s completely useless. I might be wrong here, but (recently) he’s been known to give people who follow him around names, such as lapdog, or something similar.

Or do I wait for him to ” make a move”? That’s just what I’m doing right now, and guess what, it’s not working.

Guess I suck at this. I should’ve been born the nice little girl who has no problem with small talk, and who has a memory of 5 fucking minutes.

Sorry for the whine-fest again. Don’t like, don’t read.

By the way, I’ve also been listening to Pink Floyd. It’s like hella-awesome, but I’m sure you know that already.

Now go watch The Wall if you haven’t already. Or at least listen to this song. Seriously.

Dalymar

I have so many questions. But how could I possibly ask them without causing pain?

You see, there are a whole lot of things I just can’t deal with. Although I’m not sure, I suspect it’s because I don’t know enough. But I dare not ask the questions, lest I hurt someone… Maybe I’m oversensitive – hell, I know I am, but I just can’t do that.

Let me clarify?

If I see someone who is blind, black, albino, has lost an arm, etc. I get curious. I’m not racist, not in the least, but I’m still interested. I’d love to hear about their experiences – positive or negative -, difficulties, whatever.

But… I can’t just go up to them and ask: “hey there, have you been harassed lately?” I think… maybe if I understood them better, I wouldn’t be so scared myself. (Obviously I’m not talking about black people here – oh come on, please tell me you understand what I mean! No? Whatever.)

Maybe it wouldn’t get any better. But then again…

Maybe if I could ask old people (my own relatives?) how they feel about dying, and I understood, I wouldn’t fear for my life so much. The same’s true for amputees (sp?).

Then there are the other – sometimes silly – questions. Like, how come blind people aren’t scared all the time? It must be like invisible people walking around you – think about it, it’s kinda spooky. Can they listen to mp3 players on the street? I guess not, that would be like walking around the city blindfolded…

Anyway,  that’s not the point.

And maybe… maybe they wouldn’t mind talking about things like this. Maybe they would appreciate the fact that I’m genuinely interested. But… I still can’t ask them. it just wouldn’t feel right, I guess.

Sorry if i sound a little crazy, but i’m sick and it’s getting kinda late anyway.

Also, no vid for you. I know you wouldn’t watch it anyway, and Youtube sucks.

Umm, okay. Have you seen this one? Hope I haven’t linked it before, but come on, who the hell can remember all these videos?

Dalymar

Yea, bad guys win… but you sure it won’t seem right?

Okay, now that you’ve read this far, I might as well admit I’m whining again. Can’t help that.

Here comes the story…

We were taking an exam. Wasn’t particularly difficult, but the examiner asked questions which at times had nothing to do with the topic we were supposed to talk about.

Anyway, there’s a girl who’s pretty much the best in this particular subject from the whole class. Yet she didn’t exactly learn it from said teacher. Consequently, the teacher isn’t all that fond of her, even though she’s her best student.

So, she (the girl) is kinda nervous, wanting to show her that she does understand the subject, and also worried that the teacher might try and embarass her. We calm her down – ‘You’re gonna do fine, and don’t give a shit about her opinion!’

Off she goes, into the exam room.

After a – rather short – while she comes out, obviously annoyed and frustrated. We go up to her to ask what’s wrong, and she explains how the teacher was not letting her talk at all, but jumping around in the subject asking random questions. She still knew the answers, but that’s not the point.

So, he comes up. He overhears that she’s not exactly satisfied with the result, and starts to parody her… (‘Ooh, ooh, poor /name/, what’s wroong, not gonna get a five star?’ [ ~ A+ ], I’m sure you can all imagine…)

So I turn to him, and try to get him to A, stop making fun of her and/or B, fuck off. (‘Look, nobody here cares about what you have to say. We were talking to her. Stop being an ass with her!’)

And the inevitable response comes – he turns over to a friend of his and starts bitching about me. (‘Have I mentioned just how much I love /my name/?!’)

Turning back to me, he did manage to explain that I’m wrong on so many levels (ranging from ‘what IS your problem’ to ‘I wasn’t being an ass with her, you don’t know shit about being an ass if you think I was being an ass!’)

While I was still busy staring at him in disbelief, thinking about something along the lines of ‘hey, we were never friends, but I didn’t know he was that much of an asshole’, he swiftly exited our, uh, conversation, and returned to his mates, all the while huffing about how I could have dared to defend my friend…

So, what’s the point? Nothing I guess. Actually, that was the point

But, you know, at the end of the day, he was still the ‘OMFG-so-cool guy’, which left me in the position of the ‘girl who bitched at OMFG-so-cool-guy’. I’m not saying I expect fairness in any way, especially not from him… But still.

Anyway, life sucks.

As a video, an older favourite: Her Ghost in the Fog by Cradle of Filth. Love this vid…

As always, thanks for reading…

Dalymar

Sorry. Just tired, I guess. The lyrics mean (more or less) “Behind the tears, you are not there” Now go figure…

I’m an introvert.

An introvert, as in, not exactly fond of chit-chatting, prefer to read books, stuff like that. I still want, need to be near others. I’m just not always up for the small talk. Whatever.

Now, they say extroverts draw energy from their surroundings, while introverts draw it from inside. Kinda cool, isn’t it? Like, imagine a huge, glowing green power-core thingy… You know. It’s a great idea, and with all the people claiming that it’s true, i might as well be.

But guess what, when I look inside, there’s no green glow, and no energy. It just feels empty. Empty, save for a huge hole, containing all the stuff I don’t want to think about.

Now, what actual problems could a teenager possibly have? My parents are alive, I’m not starving, and I have friends. My life is fucking perfect. That’s what they say. I guess it’s true. But that’s not what I mean.

By the things I don’t want to think about, I mean the little things. All the times I’ve been let down, someone made me cry, I made a mistake, whatever. I can’t say I remember it all, but there’s a lot of them, that’s for sure. I can’t forget about them, I can’t forgive them, and I can’t forgive myself.

Why, even if what I say is true, that’s no problem, cause all this stuff is locked up in that hole, right? Riiight.

Now, let’s make it less metaphorical.

Every once in a while (as in, every few days) a situation comes up, which reminds me of some shit I’ve done, or others have done to me. And, it seems, there are less and less things that don’t make me think about anything I don’t wanna.

Sooner or later, there will be none left. When the ugly little squirming creatures  will finally reach the sunlight, when they pull themselves out of the hole with their tentacles, when there will be no more place left and the ground can no longer be seen from the squirming mass of bodies, then… Then what? I have no idea.

Sorry for being… depressing. That’s just the way I am.

Dalymar